Lost in Illusion Part 2: White Deficits

Love, in its purest form, rarely follows logic.

It appears uninvited, turns our world upside down, and leaves us forever changed.

The poem you’re about to read is a raw, unfiltered confession of a heart caught between spiritual destiny and physical disappointment, a love so deep it transcends time, borders, and even lifetimes.

Prepare to step into the intimate world of a soul caught in the golden rain of longing and devotion, a letter not just to a lover, but to anyone who has ever loved without return.

Now, let the words speak for themselves, a journey of heartache, hope, and a love that refuses to fade…

Lost in Illusion: White Deficits

Loving you was nothing I had in mind,
something so special I did not expect to find.

I made myself a fool and lost my pride,
with the hope to conquer your heart and to be your bride.

Even after more than two years I continue to fight,
to exchange your black clothes with white.

Deep within I feel the time has come to stop this toxic dedication,
to withdraw my heart from this ongoing frustration.

I tried all to win your desire,
to ignite in you a longing and passionate fire.

To awaken you from your hypnotic sleep,
that you can leave the herd, the sheep.

Our deep love is based on a strong spiritual connection,
a true heart to heart affection.

In the physical you are all I never wanted, superficial and led astray,
unable to find the proper way, just watching out for the next play.

Vice versa is the same,
you had no intention to invest anything in this game.

While I was everything you ever needed,
“see me”, is this is not what I have pleaded?

That you have a love agreement and calling,
but you ignore it and prefer the falling.

My love for you is so deep and I never had a doubt,
“he is the only one” shouting out loud.

While you used every argument convincing yourself I was not a fit,
you did not give any chance nor even tried a little bit.

I cannot breath and I need air,
I tried everything to make you aware.

This endless pain is so strong,
I am wondering about, not knowing anymore where I belong.

I feel my wounds cannot heal anymore while I am here,
but where should I go? In my heart you are always near.

I declared all our contracts and agreements for null and void,
through them into the golden fire, all destroyed.

The voice of my heart sings a different song,
within demanding: “Don’t do it, this is wrong.”

True spiritual love remains,
like indelible flames.

“Stephanie. This scenario is only taken place in the illusion.”
don’t forget in reality this man adores you, remember the energetic fusion.”

I have to stay strong to succeed in my love mission,
I try to get up every morning with ambition.

It’s difficult with my heart being broken,
and all these words, this time out-spoken.

You said all these words, I never wanted to hear because they made me cry,
you could not say fast enough “bye-bye”.

There is all this rage coming up about myself, but I have to suppress it,
it could severely harm you, it would be evil against you, I admit.

My heart that I placed into your hand, thrown into the bin,
where is it? I cannot find it, I must re-fragment it and put it back within.

Into my physical cage,
in which I feel this painful rage.

“Stephanie, you must be strong”,
have I not done this all life long?

That at a certain point enough is enough,
I need to cry out my pain now, it’s gotten too tough.

All you can do to solve our issues is to block me like a child,
not knowing intuitively that an open conversation would be right.

I thought with you I learned to love without condition,
I totally failed that was my cognition.

When it comes to love I am hopeless and lost,
at a very high cost.

I am looking back thinking about all that has gone wrong,
I should have approached it differently, all along.

Your essence gave me the strengths to rise up for my love mission once more,
it lovingly reached my hand, raising me up from the golden floor.

But without your physical strengths I slipped,
I fell back down and hurt my hip.

I ignore it and trying to put myself back together,
for the mission to exchange “death with life forever”.

To drop the ring in the fire,
there is not enough water in the fountain in the shire.

When it comes to my work, I am all so smart in good advice,
but when it comes to myself, I am not anymore so wise.

I feel I lost myself along the road,
I have to re-define my love code.

I would have made you my little king,
look at my hand, can you see the ring?

The ring of love shines bright,
wearing it is such a delight.

You are driven by your animal mind,
which made you blind.

Blind to see the inner beauty and affectionate desire,
a loving heart to heart bond fire.

Oh my love, in a glance I would have forgiven you all,
even though knowing I might drive against a wall.

Let me correct myself here, I did learn what it means to love without condition,
while standing at the golden flame of my love mission.

Love sometimes comes along at a time and in a way you least expect,
causing incredible effects.

Love just is…without reason,
pure, innocent and without treason.

One day you might remember,
maybe on the 1st of November,

that you loved me all along,
and you sing me a French love song.

Maybe not,
then we have to rewrite the plot.

I have experienced it all from the reality perspective,
that is why I am so loving and protective.

In the astral realm we are like white swans the perfect loving couple,
and there is no trouble.

So now I am looking for someone “more”,
someone I will just as much adore.

I will fool myself along,
failing in rhyming a love song.

My love for you is endless like my pain,
and now I am standing here again, in the golden rain.

With still hope in my heart that one day you are able to see,
be honest with you and listen to you heart, that is what I plead.

I will always be there for you,
if you asked me to.

I am starting to sense what this is all about,
I still don’t understand it well and I have doubt.

You seem to be having the male energy that I am missing and need,
to be strong from head to feet.

You will see that you continue to have bad feelings like something is wrong,
destiny`s calling is so strong.

You won’t be able to rest,
until you realized that I am the best.

In the end it does not matter,
we will physically or/and non-physically stay together,
returning home and resting in unconditional love forever.

“My love, for 2023 and 2024 and 2025 I wish you all the best,
I hope you have vacations and can rest.

I need to say it, there is no other way,
here at the Hamburg bay.

I love you from the bottom of my heart,
my beloved sweetheart.

I love you without condition,
I just have to increase my physical ambition.

My heart is crying,
there is truly no denying.

Each cell of my body hurts,
the frequency of my heart has a different hertz.

I regret my qualities do not match your high expectations,
and we don’t share a language, being of different nations.

My French…oh dear, I have to learn,
smooth communication is what I will earn.

Dis-moi, je t’écoute.
I will not press the button “mute”.

I see within me there are plenty of deficits,
here is my certificate of indebtedness.

Forgive me I am not what you need,
be lenient, this is what I plead.

Word of honour, I will increase my market value,
so that you can re-value.

For more than 2 years I miserably failed in igniting the love flame,
what a golden shame.

Please give me the chance to properly “apply”,
I try to be not so “shy”.

When is it the time to let go?
I truly do not know.

I can hardly bear anymore this painful longing,
this passionate feeling of belonging.

Que je t´aime,
how much I desire to be your femme.

Heart pain, where is the cure?
I will work on finding one, I succeed for sure.

to be continued…

Spirit of White, France, 11.11.2024